Having a random hookup so left but love u
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I need to align my fucking chakras
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
