I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
