if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
