and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Randomize
