Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
