Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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