those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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