I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
