How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
