im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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