he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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