"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
