i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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