How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
