I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
