I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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