At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
