i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
