half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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