We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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