Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
