Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
People in love make me want to vomit
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
