Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
