even my farts smell like vagina
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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