I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
