she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
