I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
