I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
