During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Randomize
