i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
