I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
