Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Who put my cat in the fridge?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
