It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
