i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
