I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I forgot wine drunk hurts
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
