We won't sleep together?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
