I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
