i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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