I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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