if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
