Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
