I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
