i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
