I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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