He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
