i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
