I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
