Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
