I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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