he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
