Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize
