i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
