I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
