drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
